5.26.09

Exit Strategies - Debut Video.

(a still-frame from the video "Exit Holes")

A month ago while in Las Vegas, staying with my friend, Nick (a.k.a. Vegas Kitty or NOSTBR) we joked about making a rap video. One night the two of us actually sat down at his kitchen table with several bottles of german beer and began hashing out the basic structure of a music track. One thing led to another and before we knew it, we were drinking 40's on the Las Vegas strip and capturing some of the most ridiculous footage for what would eventually become part of our premier video, "Exit Holes".

That video is finally posted. I never thought it would see the light of day. I've been editing pieces of it here and there for a month now, but hadn't actually sat down with all the footage to hammer it out... sometimes you must say to yourself, "Shit.. I need to put this thing behind me already!" and then you finish it regardless of how good or bad it is.
So that's what I've done. I hope you enjoy it for it's amateurish value and parody. After all, it was all one big joke from it's initial concept.
There has been some talk about eventually cutting an entire album... But for now, watch this.

5.19.09

What's a boy to do?

I've had a strange and somewhat surreal week here in Carbondale. I came back under unfavorable circumstances and have been spending my time and money in unflattering ways. To vaguely sum it up, I will simply say I've been drunk and depressed (or drunk as a way of sidestepping the depression.) I've bought more packs of cigarettes during my week here than in the last 6 months. I've drank less water than booze and I've been slacking on exercise. Every morning for the last week I've told myself, (while looking sickly into the mirror), "you're not being fair to yourself." I'm generally not a very melancholy person, usually quite the opposite in fact, so this has been a difficult time for me to face. I didn't want to come back here quite this soon and especially not for a friends funeral.
Pieces of my Carbondale past are returning to me in both good and bad ways. I'm seeing a lot of old friends and reconnecting old relationships, which feels great, but I have to keep reminding myself that although my return was necessary, this isn't the place I want to be and staying here could be detrimental. I now have to figure out how to leave, if I should even leave at all...

Living in Carbondale is something I've already had to overcome once before. I forced myself to move away from it. I had to. I was a comfortable alcoholic in a comfortable town that seemed to only encourage further comfort in one's bad habits. It was easy to remain on the same course here, night after night, month after month, year after year, somebody was always ready and willing to party. I didn't realize it until I finally left town, but I was addicted. Not just addicted to alcohol but to the easy going lifestyle associated with most liberal college towns. I hardly received a smack on the wrist for anything I did here. I couldn't find much reason to leave or do anything else.
It doesn't matter whether your habits are good or bad, it's difficult to peel yourself from anything comfortable. Making the decision to move away from Carbondale last year was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, but a very confident and proud one. I felt by doing so, I could finally put myself on course towards better, greater things. But here I am... living in Southern Illinois once again and not sure what to do with myself.

I've already escaped this town once in the past, this entire week has been one slippery slope back into old habits, and right now, with no means of transportation and being in the good company of old friends, I feel a bit trapped. This isn't where I should be right now. I need to escape this town and journey back out to the west. I have unfulfilled adventures and undiscovered territory I still desire to seek out.
My financial foundation is crumbling and I feel as though I'm wasting all my remanding funds in a town that is no longer explorable to me. There isn't any adventure for me here. I know it all to well. This is a place of my past and I feel that to get trapped now could severely sever pieces of my future. But everyday I reconnect pieces of my past and reconnect old friendships and it becomes that much harder to leave.

Now more than ever I'm feeling the challenges of this trip weighing heavily on me. I look at my travel map and see that I've nearly returned to my starting point. That makes me sad. It doesn't feel right, yet I'm not sure how to peel myself away.

5.15.09

A Despairing Circumstance. A Beautiful Realization.

Erik Crews (a.k.a. Big Country) 1973-2009

I was in Salt Lake City when I received a phone call from my friend, Shannon. It was in the very first word she spoke. It was the kind of tone that is unmistakably associated with death and nothing else. The despair in her voice, sounded as though a piece of her soul had be taken. She was calling to take a piece of mine.

I went on a long walk that afternoon. I walked to where I could stand high above the city and meet eyes with the mountains. I sat at a small isolated table and said goodbye to Erik as the sun dipped behind a snow covered peak.

For days I was torn at the heart, and torn over the decision of returning home or not. But after I could cry no more tears, after the dust began to settle, it seemed the only thing to do was leave Salt Lake City and return to the company of my friends and mourn our loss together.

Erik's memorial service took place two days after an inland hurricane ripped through Carbondale and left the town without power. Many people joked that it was his grand finale, his final farewell.
The service was held amongst fallen timber, snapped power lines, dented cars, peeled rooftops, uprooted tress and general wreckage. The city was in sad shape, but there was a certain underlying peacefulness to be recognized in all of it. There was a quietness, a stillness, a congregation of people without harsh words, without the disruption of passing traffic or the constant drone of electricity and city white-noise. It was like being in the calmness of the natural world. And it was amongst all of this destruction that we were able to see our lives as fragile and unpredictable things. But more importantly we were able to see ourselves as survivors, enduring the tragic loss of a friend and the near-tragic demolition of a city. Both of these occurrences were without much foresight or warning and hopefully it caused everyone to make the decision of a more bountiful and beautiful life, because any day now it's going to be one of us.

As the Rev. Jesse Warden said, "Erik was a man of big stature and big personality". He had one of those laughs that would cause you to laugh even if you wern't exactly sure what he was laughing about.
Others might have considered him to be a "gentle giant." He was an intimidating man upon first impression (big, tall, tattooed, pierced,) but upon first introduction he was always ready to extend a hand of peacefulness and friendship. Big Country was one of the most sharing people I've ever known and he probably wasn't even aware of his great selflessness, it was just the kind of good person he was. I don't know many people who care more about others than themselves but he was certainly one of them and I'm sad to have lost him.

Say a prayer for Big Country and anyone like him.

5.10.09

Punched by Emotion, Put Through the Ringer.
I'm laying in the grass of a small Salt Lake City park, feeling depressed and alone while learning about all of my emotions at once. It's been a long week of stress, death and heartache. I'm feeling a bit beaten down and all the tension is starting to unwind at once.

Salt Lake was intended to be one of the pinnacle stops along my journey, but it has in fact become quite the opposite.
My time here has not offered much emphasis on adventure, exploration or the joys of traveling, but has instead placed more emphasis on personal struggle and personal introspection with a constant presence of tribulation looming over me. They say, "nothing good lasts forever", and that's very true. Nothing can remain great and hunky-dory all the time. I knew my happiness and excitement during this adventure would eventually plateau and then begin to fall off; that's just the way life works. I knew there would eventually come a time for devastation (hopefully I've blazed through the worst of it and thankfully it has not yet been the devastation of my life or car.) I've finally experienced a low-point since I left my home almost two months ago. As my friend Peter has put it - I've been put through the ringer.

Stress, Death & Heartache

To make this very simple (because we are very complex creatures and I don't fully understand everything I'm feeling right now anyways), Let me just say I'm going through some shit.
In my previous post I mentioned I was ready to settle down for a little while and recollect myself and reconnect some notion of home. My longing for a home hasn't changed, nor has my current state of social deprivation. It seems when your constantly moving around, it's nearly impossible to fulfill any basic necessities, like friendship or a personal space to create or just escape the outside world.
I am living with my friend Peter and his roommate, but that introduces a large list of challenges on it's own. Sharing a space with anybody requires a lot of compassion and patience (unless your a total dick, in which case nobody would live with you anyways). We all seemed to move into this house on the same day (me as a guest and my friend just beginning his lease) so the adjustment has certainly had it's moments of tension as you can probably imagine. And truthfully, the three of us have all been quite guilty of lacking compassion and patience at certain moments of this adjustment. Let's just say we're all still getting to know each other and the adjustment has been a true test of maturity.
To turn up the stress a bit further, I had a close friend pass away the other day. Thankfully I wasn't in a place where I was completely alone because the news came as a crushing blow and it came with pain I haven't experienced in years. It was hard to cope with this being in a new and unfamiliar environment. However, my friend Peter stepped up and helped me cope with this in ways I couldn't have done on my own. It's difficult to let go of something you've come to know so well and appreciate. I am now left with only a memory of my late friend, Eric and must somehow try to make sense of a world without him.
If there isn't already enough on my plate, let's stack it up a bit higher. I've had a girl crawl into my head and then get under my skin all in the same sitting. I won't go too far into details, but I will say that there has been an emotional and physical bond created. I'm afraid though that it might be an empty or insincere bond, the kind that leaves you guessing, the kind that's not always reciprocating. It's off and on, hot and cold, fills your heart and breaks it. This is a typical case of attraction and confusion, or in other words, a mind fuck. And if your a man reading this, you know what kind of emotion girls can stir up. They can downright make a man into a crazy man. And so to top it off with a cherry, Peter and I have stumbled into some competitive issues with this person and it has wounded our friendship a few times while I've been here.

So while my time in Salt Lake has been the most difficult stop so far, it might coincidentally turn out to be the most important, especially in determining how I come out of this journey as a person. I've been seeing a lot of the underlying purpose in all the people and places I've encountered up to this point. I've been receiving a lot of signals and signs along my route and have become increasingly in tune with my intuition. I'm learning new things about myself on a daily basis and it's reshaping the way I interpret people and the world. My previous ideas/assumptions are constantly being torn down and reconstructed. On an emotional level, I'm beginning to feel things I didn't know I had within me. I'm beginning to understand what I require as a human on my quest for personal happiness and understanding. This is what the adventure is meant to be about. These are the moments that cause you to see yourself through an important set of eye's. This is the stuff that gets remembered.

I'm taking a few days away from Salt Lake to fly home for my deceased friend's memorial service. I hope the separation from this city will further clear the slate so that I may return to Salt Lake with a fresh perspective, boldness, health and love.

5.05.09

Lost, Found, and Longing in Salt Lake.
Seven days without a post and I have almost nothing to tell you about Salt Lake City...
I could attempt to tell you about the towering mountain ranges that stay perfectly smeared with white snow regardless of the warming spring air. I could attempt to tell you about the lush vegetation and how I am simply delighted to be surrounded by thriving green grass again. Or how each breath is rich with cool moisture and my nasal cavities are once again damp and happy. But these are things that can only be experienced after coming from somewhere like the bare flat lands of the midwest or the arid southwestern desert, so you'll just have to visit and decide for yourself.
I spent a month and a half exploring the desert and I loved every bit of it, but the landscape and terrain remained weirdly foreign to me; grainy, dusty, hot, spiny and dry, like a different planet. It was visually intriguing but not a place I could endure permanently, I had that notion the moment I arrived in Salt Lake City. It was raining, the grass and foliage seemed the color of the jungle to me, and I could even register a bit of humidity in the air. It was the freshest I've felt since leaving my hometown of Jillburt. So as you might imagine, Salt Lake has conjured memories of many things familiar and beautiful to me; memories of home (besides the mountains of course).
I can't say I miss my home or anything concerning the region in general, but there are definitely some things I've been longing for that only a home can offer. Like having a bed and a desk and an environment of caring friends and regular happenings. And dammit, I miss my dog!
I have a strong sense that I will soon find a place to bunker-down for a bit. Somewhere to regroup and reconnect those familiar feelings that have gone unfulfilled. Something reminiscent of a home.

For now I'm in Salt Lake with my friend Peter.
We've resurrected an old music project that we began in college. The plan is to make at least a five song EP even if it hurts or destroys our friendship. We planned it several months ago and now that we're all here and present, it's going to happen.

More from Salt Lake Soon.